I’m writing this like very small on toilet paper and someone will smuggle it out of the police station cell where I’m sweating like a pig. Here’s the problem: My BFF Shazza (that’s Sharon) and I went malling on our first day in Dubai after arriving from Brisvegas and it like didn’t go well. We left our hotel and got a cab to this shopping centre so big it looks like the Mother of all Malls. Amazeballs totes. I was wearing my awesome turquoise mini dress and Shazza looked hardcore in her pink hotpants and peplum thing. Although people were looking at us like strange, we made new friends almost like straight away. Mohammed, Mohammed and Mohammed (confusing, right? but you get used to it) offered to show us around and take us to their cousin’s jewellery shop so we could like spend our entire month’s travel budget on earrings but first we went clothes shopping. Black really is the new black in Dubai, isn’t it? All the women here seem to wear it top to toe. It’s kinda cool. So we went into this shop to try on…black… and suddenly Shazza had a wardrobe malfunction. Not a like big one. She reached up to get a dress off the rack and the buttons popped on her peplum thing and the girls fell out. I told her she should have worn a bra. Suddenly there was like a lot of screaming and I said Oh Fuck! and the police turned up and arrested us. Wouldn’t happen on the Gold Coast. They’re gonna charge us like with indecent behaviour. Shazza isn’t speaking to me. She says it’s all my fault. But she has her shirt back on and the buttons are done up now, and I said we’re frickin’ sorry, so what’s the problem? Please help, Sally, what can we do? Love, Charlene.
Before you go spend all your money on earrings, shop around for a bargain. And the thing is, Charlene, wearing short shorts to the mall isn’t kosher. OMG babes, you’re a typical example of how not to behave in Dubai. Wearing short shorts anywhere in Dubai is stupid. Except on the beach. This is a conservative Middle Eastern country where the dress code demands a lot more thought than the Gold Coast of Australia. For a start, tell Shazza to wear a bra and not a pop-up (or is that push-up?) one either. And don’t bloody swear. You could be in a Dubai prison for a while, so you must make up with your BFF because you’re in this together. You can’t talk to the walls for months on end – they probably don’t understand English. And ask for three-ply toilet paper. The toilet paper you wrote on is two ply. You should ask for three ply. They’re rich in Dubai and they can afford it.
Graciously yours, Sally.
Read more about how to behave in Dubai here: Don’t du it in Dubai